BDSM Aftercare 101

If you’re getting into any form of BDSM, you’ll need to learn proper aftercare.  Here are the basics and a list of suggestions

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In short, it’s a fancy way of saying that everyone is okay and happy after playing around in BDSM.


It’s also gently bringing someone back to reality (from the fantasy of play) and helping them feel grounded again and/or re-establishing the normal, loving roles you would normally assume (if you’re in a relationship).


But, there’s a lot to aftercare that many new players might not realize – including special attention to physical and mental or emotional needs.


It’s also important when dealing with physical injuries or “drop”.





When you’re playing around in BDSM, there are often spikes of endorphins and adrenaline (especially if you’re doing something intense). When you crash from this natural high, there is a chance of “drop”. This can include…


  • Can’t calm down or feeling irritable
  • Feeling guilty, worthless, or helpless
  • Feeling tired or lazy
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or feelings of emptiness
  • Problems with appetite
  • Problems with sleep cycle (too much or not enough)
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not go away even with treatment


These feelings can show up right after a scene or anywhere from 24 to 72 hours after (depending on the intensity of the scene and the Dom/sub’s personality, constitution level, or problems they might be going through at that moment.)


Basically, drop is different for each person and for each scene.


SIDE NOTE – One way to help avoid drop is to gradually go into and recede from a scene.





  • If you are new play partners, you must discuss/share what aftercare is needed.


  • If you’ve played often with your partner, you might just need to quickly double check nothing has changed (or you’ve played often enough that you’re already familiar with the aftercare needed).


  • If you’re new to BDSM, it’s better to start slow and try things that aren’t as intense – you’ll also need to talk during your aftercare to share what works and what doesn’t.




  • Taking off all BDSM gear – like blindfold, ropes, or restraints
  • Moving the sub somewhere comfortable and warm (off the floor)
  • Cleaning,  disinfecting, applying medicine,  and dressing any injuries
  • Applying any lotions, aloe, cooling creams etc. to make the body feel better
  • Offering painkillers, vitamins, supplements or antacids to deal with pain, lactic acid build up, or loss of nutrients
  • Wrapping the sub in a blanket or bathrobe to counteract the body’s temperature drop (if you’re worried about your sub overheating, use a breathable fabric or something lose with holes, like a knitted or crocheted blanket).
  • Offer water (don’t force them to drink)
  • Offer chocolate  (if the sub can have it) to take care of blood sugar levels
  • Juice or power drinks are a good alternative to chocolate
  • Hugging, cuddling, caressing
  • A soft and gentle voice from the Dom
  • Reassurance that everything is okay
  • Offering praise
  • Reassurance (if the sub feels awkward about their kinks) that they are normal and their pleasures are nothing to feel ashamed about
  • Offer a reassuring and gentle touch to a part of the body that wasn’t affected by the scene
  • Make sure participants are serene and positive
  • A phone call or meet up a day or two after an intense scene to talk about things and make sure everything is okay
  • Have a warm bubble bath with candles
  • Put the sub in their favorite comfortable clothing
  • Watch a movie the sub likes
  • Journal writing
  • Being left alone to reflect or even meditate


Remember, everyone is different. Some might need very little, while others might need a lot. It’s not for a Dom to judge what’s right or wrong – rather to take care of their sub.





Did you know that Doms sometimes need aftercare too?




The stereotype is that Dom’s are strong creatures that don’t need help or reassurance – but this is an unhealthy mentality towards Tops. They are human too, and they can experience fatigue or have a rough day.  The reason people don’t think about Dom aftercare is because they’re so busy taking care of the other person, they’re just starting to learn the craft, or it’s a professional arrangement that is solely focused on the sub.


What can you do?


If you’re practicing BDSM in a relationship, it’s a balance of making sure both parties are happy and calm.  If you’re a professional Dom, you should make sure you have a system in place to take care of your own aftercare – this can be having a friend you can hang out with or call, a partner that can take on the responsibility.





Remember, a sub might need care for a few days after you’ve played. This can be in the form of a scheduled phone call, video chat, or in-person meet up.


However, there are times where that might not be possible, And that’s where a “babysitter” comes into play – this is someone trusted by both parties to step in for the Dom and offer aftercare based on the sub and Dom’s pre-negotiations.


Extended care is important to maintain good communication, deal with any negative feelings that might pop up, and avoid any toxic behaviors.



Things to Establish Before You Train Your Sub

As with all kinky and sexual activities, a discussion is a must. Before diving into the different submissive training techniques, make sure to get your partner’s consent and that everything listed below is laid out.

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Goals & Desires

You need to ask each other “Why?”

Why do you and your sub need to do this? Is your sub tired of taking control of every aspect of their life that they want a quick break from it? Did some movies about BDSM spark your interest? Are both of you just doing this for fun or is it because you want to strengthen your relationship?

You also need to ask the “What?”

What are the things your sub wants to try during the submissive training? What technique would you want to use when you train your sub? Are each other’s expectations’ doable? What are your sub’s personal goals from this? Are there fantasies that both of you would like to incorporate on the scene?

By establishing each other’s goals and desires, will help you design a plan on how to effectively train your sub. By knowing what your sub’s goals, desires, as well as expectations, you’ll be able to know how to make the experience much pleasurable and enjoyable to them.


You might think that a BDSM relationship is one-sided—dom taking all the control while the sub agrees willingly to everything—but that’s not necessarily the case. In fact, BDSM isn’t solely meant for the dom’s pleasure; subs should have pleasurable experience as well.

With that, you need to establish the limits as early on. Having boundaries and limits allows the submissive to explore their sensuality safely.

There are two kinds of limits—soft and hard. As the name implies, soft limits are the activities that are negotiable. Your sub might be interested in learning more about it, or simply is not ready to do that particular activity. Once something has been decided upon, the sub may agree to do some of the soft limits or even be demanded from you.

On the other hand, hard limits are the things your sub will never do. Period. Even though you like electro play, you should respect your sub’s decision if they don’t want to do that.

The takeaway from this is simple: You shouldn’t pressure someone or be pressured to do the things that you don’t want to partake in. Even you as a dom, if you don’t like doing a particular activity, it’s okay to say no. Limits can also be fluid throughout the submissive training, so make sure you have regular discussion with your sub about each other’s limits.


This is vital for submissive training. Don’t ever start a play session without establishing this properly.

A safeword is a word or signal that ends the BDSM play instantly. Once your sub has said the safeword, the activity stops, and the roles are stripped away. It’s usually said due to discomfort or pain, so make sure to check your sub as soon as possible and ensure their safety.

As for the word, you may choose any word that you like but go for something that’s oddly specific. Words such as “Stop” and “No” are the words you commonly use during the play, so having your sub use these types of words may confuse you. You may also go with the common safewords that are used by the experienced ones such as red, bananas, superman, or your sub’s full name.

Also, make sure to establish a non-verbal safeword. This will come in handy during BDSM plays wherein the sub’s mouth is gagged. Examples are hand signals, specific head movements, or patterned hand taps.


Once you’re done establishing essentials, it’s time for the fun part. As for the presentation, you and your sub must establish your each other’s appearance during the play session.

Do you want your sub to be wearing latex garments? Want to add some roleplaying in the mix and make them wear certain uniforms? Do you want your sub to wear specific perfume? These are the things you need to be asking yourself when discussing each other’s appearance and behavior.

Your sub also has a say on this. If your sub isn’t keen on a specific type of clothing, respect their choice, and present other options. Your sub can also request you to have a specific presentation during BDSM plays; For example, your sub wants you to wear formal attire during the deed.

Forms of Address

Once the presentation is laid out, you need to establish how your sub will address and communicate with you and others.

Should your sub call you master, mistress, queen, king, sir, or madame? Are profanities allowed during the BDSM plays? Will you talk to your sub in a warmer tone, or do both of you prefer a colder-type of communication? These are things that you should consider when talking about forms of address.

Forms & Levels of Service

Part of the dom-sub dynamic is the service. During this discussion, you need to talk about the services that you want to get from your sub. Need help with managing your daily/weekly tasks? Do you want your sub to do the chores for you? Do you want your sub to fulfill your sexual needs These are some examples of the topics you can talk about during this discussion.

Once the forms of service are laid out, make sure to train your sub properly on these tasks (levels of service). By giving them the proper instructions on their services, you’re going to establish the standards of service that you expect from them. You can also set a time limit for the assignments, just to solidify your standards and spice things up.

Forms of Posture

As for this one, you need to train your sub on how to handle themselves within a situation. This determines the way you and your sub acts up during the session as well on daily/weekly activities.


You need to establish levels of playfulness too. As a dominant/dominatrix, you need to have activities that will be fun for your sub too such as roleplaying and sex games. This discussion will also help you establish the time when your sub needs to be serious and time when they can be a bit more playful.


Basics: Standing Positions

There are four positions your slave should have memorized.

Attention / Inspection / Wait / At Your Service

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When they hear this word they will assume a neutral standing pose. 

Here are the steps involved

  • Their feet should be close together and angled slightly inward.  
  • They should stand up straight.  
  • They should arch their back.
  • Their shoulders should be back.
  • Their hands will be flat against their upper thighs not on the front and not on the side.  At a forty-five degree angle.
  • Their knees should be ever so slightly bent, ensure they do not lock them, as this could lead to fainting
  • Their chin should be up…

Their eyes should stay focused on you as you are speaking… but ONLY if it does not require them to turn their head.  So while you are directly in front of them their eyes should be on you. As you move to the side, they will follow you with their eyes but will NOT move their head. If you are out of view their eyes should be straight ahead.


Have them study this position as you explain to them the expectations. They will be required to stand at attention for 5 minutes at the top of every hour, or whenever you call Attention! Every time they do it incorrect they will receive a punishment.


Hard smack to either the ass, face or hands

Your slave should have the attention pose mastered now, so it is time to move on to inspection.


When your slave hears those words they should assume a ready and willing pose so that any superior may inspect them to ensure they are properly kept.

There are only a few differences from attention to inspection, primarily the arms and feet.


  • Feet should be shoulder length apart to provide easy access for a hand between their legs.
  • Hands should be placed on their head, they will not interlock fingers. The proper position is for the middle fingers barely touching at the center point on the back of the head.
  • Shoulders shall be back with back arched
  • Chin should be slightly upward and their mouth shall be slightly open for easy inspection. Their teeth should be far enough apart that a finger or other implement can easy be slid into their mouth.
  • The same rules apply for eye contact as it is with attention.

It is best to call them to attention then to inspection… ATTENTION wait till they are properly positioned INSPECTION they will at once change the position.


At the end of their five minutes of holding attention, they will SMOOTHLY transition straight into inspection.


10 minutes standing against wall holding the inspection pose perfectly, anytime they shift or move the time should start over.





While this position may seem like a minor variation of the other two, there are some key differences.  Let’s take a look

First and foremost, the arm position of this pose is key.  Each hand should grip the opposing forearm behind their back.  This can take some practice to hold and maintain if they lack the flexibility.  Encourage them to not injure themselves holding this, but rather build up to longer and longer periods of time being able to hold this position. 

Key points to remember (and this should be easy as they are the same as the other poses).

  • Feet should be shoulder width apart with toes turned slightly inward.
  • Do NOT lock your knees 
  • Back arched and shoulders back.
  • Chin slightly up
  • Mouth relaxed and partially open .
  • Arms clasped behind your back.

This position requires a slight variation to their eyes.  The Attention and Inspection pose require them to maintain eye contact with the person speaking provided they do not move out of their line of sight.  The Wait position requires them to stare straight ahead and assume the vacant expression regardless of what is in front of them.  This will take some practice.

The best secret for them is to let their mind instantly wander and unfocus their eyes.  They can do this by finding a fixed point to stare at straight ahead of them and slowly let their eyes relax as they stare at that point.

The Wait position is very often used to talk ABOUT a Slave, at least after the Salve is fully trained.  A well trained Slave will be oblivious to most anything being said around them when standing in the Wait position.

How does your slave know when to stop Waiting if their mind has wandered away?

It is easy.  The Wait pose is ALWAYS followed by the Attention pose.  So even as their mind wanders away, the word Attention will bring them back and they shift  to being an eager servant again.  

Now do you see why it is so important that they practice the Attention pose?

(Do the following)


your slave should have instantly went in to attention without hesitation.

After 1 minute


Have some fun as you inspect your slave, see if they have any cum leaking or if their pussy is soaking wet. Remind them that their only pleasure is serving you.

Once done with your inspection


Let them stand there for a while, as long as you want but at least five minutes, giving them enough time for their mind to drift.

When ready


They should feel refreshed as they slide back in to service mode. Wait is also known as meditation time.


They will assume the Attention pose.  Hold this for one minute and then transition as smoothly as they can into the Inspection position.  They will hold this for one minute, then smoothly transition to the Wait position.  Hold this for three minutes and then return to the Attention pose.  Hold that for an additional minute and then relax.  


The times are estimates, and when in doubt they should go longer than they think they need to.  Be careful of the Wait position.  With time and practice they may find yourself zoning off for longer and longer periods.

  • ATTENTION – 1 Minute
  • INSPECTION – 1 Minute
  • WAIT – 3 Minutes
  • ATTENTION – 1 Minute

Have them pay special attention to all the details.  Have them pay attention to their breath going in and out of their body and make their brain focus on things that only a slave could find important:

  • such as serving their Mistress


Writing out the rules multiple times

Make them do exercises naked, push ups, sit-ups, burpees, jumping jacks use your imagination.


This is the default position that slaves are expected to take when not directly needed or engaged by their superiors in the room.  You will often see slaves in this pose even when not in a room with their superiors, just out of pleasure and habit.

They will all like this position, because it is designed to help them maintain your arousal. 

The “At Your Service” pose is virtually identical to the Attention pose, except for two key differences. 

One:  While keeping their toes turned slightly inward, they want to also bring their knees slightly together to enhance their stance.  

Two:  Their right hand should slide between their legs and gently rub and tease themselves to arousal, while their other hand covers it to provide some small means of discretion.  A good Slave should constantly be practicing and improving their self-arousal technique.  After much practice, most Slaves can make themselves dripping wet within seconds of assuming this position.  There are often little whimpers that accompany this pose, but slaves must be careful not to disturb or in any way inconvenience any superior that might be around, so keep their moaning soft. They should also never reach climax that is a very punishable offense.

This pose is seldom (if ever) commanded, but is in fact the default standing position all slaves should assume while not directly being ordered by superior.  This allows for perpetual teasing and arousal (and preparation for inspections).  

While a vacant stare and absent mind are not required for this pose, most slaves prefer it, as it allows them to go into their slave fantasies to further edge and arouse themselves into a heightened state.

As with the other positions there are things that they should always try to maintain, even if others may not be watching them.

  • Do NOT lock their knees
  • Back arched and shoulders back
  • Chin slightly up
  • Mouth relaxed and partially open

They will soon find that these aspects of your posture become more and more of a habit the more they practice them.  They are, in truth, default standing features that all good slaves maintain.

Remind them this is their default so they should become good at it.


They should assume the At Your Service pose.   Practice with their hand between their legs at arousing and stimulating yourself.  Think of this as closer to being fingered than to any kind of pull or tug.  Have them play with different styles of touch, light vs. heavy, one finger vs. palm, tease vs. grind.  There is no right way for every slave, so it is up to them to find the way that arouses them the most. 

Have them pay special attention to all the details.  Have them pay attention to their breath going in and out of their body and make their brain focus on things that only a slave could find important:

  • such as serving their Mistress
  • making themselves as horny and wet as possible

Your goal is to edge yourself themselves near orgasm.  Presumably they are in chastity, but if the Real World does not currently permit that, you will stop yourself before completion.  

If you can not get yourself to the edge in this position, you will obviously need to continue to practice.  


Hands tied together with rope secured around their ball sack, so if they lift their hands they pull up on their scrotum.

If they orgasm, they will receive 10 whacks with a paddle while tied as mentioned above.


You have completed Lesson One, you are on your way to becoming a great Mistress, go relax while your slave massages your feet.

Lesson One Punishment list: 

Your slave should have all of these wrote down in their journal.

  • Hard smack to either the ass, face or hands
  • 10 minutes standing against wall holding the inspection pose perfectly, anytime they shift or move the time should start over.
  • Writing out the rules multiple times
  • Make them do exercises naked, push ups, sit-ups, burpees, jumping jacks use your imagination.
  • Hands tied together with rope secured around their ball sack, so if they lift their hands they pull up on their scrotum.
  • If they orgasm, they will receive 10 whacks with a paddle while tied as mentioned above.



Tips For Behavior Modification, Conditioning and Development

Tips For Behavior Modification, Conditioning and Development

B.F. Skinner, known as the “Father of Behaviorism” developed a theory of operant conditioning, which states that all behavior is governed by reinforcing and punishing stimuli. Behavior modification uses a scheduled approach that rewards desired behavior and punishes undesirable behavior.

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Many people get offended if you mention child psychology (or heaven forbid, dog training) in a conversation about behavior modification in the adult BDSM sense of the term. But, the fact is that the basic psychological principles of behavior modification and operant conditioning work equally well on any age group.


1. Successive Approximation Approach

This approach is to instill new behavior by rewarding preferred action steps until the final demanded behavior is achieved. For instance, ear scratches or simply showing affection by the Dominant to the submissive can be very rewarding.

2. Continuous Reinforcement Approach

Immediate reward after each correct and desired action is being carried out, continuously, to reinforce desired behavior. For instance, saying “thank you” is a good way to show appreciation, and hence the acknowledgment of the correct action by the Dominant, may be considered a gentle reward to the submissive.

3. Negative Reinforcement Approach

Appropriate and proportional punishment of the submissive when desired action is not carried out. Punishment should not be enjoyable, if pain is pleasurable for the submissive, then it is not considered as punishment.

4. Modelling Approach

Arranging for the submissive to watch the behavior being carried out by others, and working together with guidance. For instance, teaching the submissive how to tie a rope, or serve morning coffee, by performing the act for the observation of the learner. This is often a socialisation process, where a submissive who is new to the space can observe the environment to learn a set of desired behaviors.

5. Cueing Approach

Continuously providing clear and specific social cues or reminders, at a desired time and location. The cues should happen before the action being carried out, as opposed to after the individual has acted incorrectly. For example, “Kneel, beside the front door” can be a social cue at a particular time of the day when it is desired.

6. Discrimination Approach

To instill a particular act in some circumstances but not other circumstances, rewards can be given only when the action is carried out in the desired circumstances.


1. Decreasing Reinforcement Approach

The frequency of rewards for desired behavior can be decreased and substituted with gentle encouragement, gradually stretching the requirement for rewards associated with correct behaviour. You see this in dog training, where the trainer reduces the treats when the pet is performing well to a command, and begins to associate the treats with a new command the trainer wishes to teach.

2. Variable Reinforcement Approach

When correct behavior is carried out, varying the reinforcement behaviour or rewards is a better way to maintain/improve the submissive’s performance than always associating the same reward with the action.


1. Satiation Approach

It may be appropriate in some cases to allow (or even command) the submissive to carry out the undesired behavior until they get bored and tired of deviation.

2. Extinction Approach

Every reward can be stopped if an undesired behavior is carried out.

3. Incompatible Alternative Approach

Rewarding an alternative opposite or opposing action to the one that is undesired may cause the submissive to act on the positive action and, at the same time, stop acting on the undesired behavior.

4. Punishment Approach

If an action is to be punished, punishment should happen immediately after the undesired action. Bear in mind that punishment does not always work. It may result in increased aggression and hostility. It should therefore be used in proportion to the action, and in conjunction with other reinforcement.


1. Avoidance Approach

To prevent a child becoming addicted to video games, the simplest approach is to not allow them to play games in the first place. It also follows that they should not be left in the company of friends who enjoy playing games. In BDSM, this approach also applies. Do not allow your submissive to start acting in a way that is inappropriate, and avoid situations where the kind of action you are avoiding takes place.

2. Fear Reduction Approach

A submissive can overcome his fear of a particular situation if his exposure to that situation is slowly increased, slowly stretching his comfortable level with reward when he is relaxed, secure and not fearful.


• These techniques are based largely on “Principles for Using Behavior Modification” by  W. Huitt
• Deviance & Desire – Behavior Modification Using Reinforcement and Punishment
• X|C|BDSM – Submissive Training, Conditioning and Development
• Dominant Life – SF’s Guide to Behaviour Modification
• The Kinky World of Vile – Behavior Modification is Alive and Well
• Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed – The Psychology of Conditioning in a D/s Relationship


Kinds of Submissive Training

As you’ve learned the different conditioning techniques to train your sub with, let’s move on the different kinds of submissive training. This includes various ways on how to train your submissive, depending on each other’s goals, needs, desires, and limits. Now, you don’t have to limit yourself on one kind—mixing and matching your training methods is up to you and your sub.

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Play Training

Play training is a fantasy roleplay exercise. The real goal is to have a hot fun time. You’re not expected to learn anything. This doesn’t mean it’s not important. Having fun is important in power exchange. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. For example, if you’re training your sub to be a maid then make it clear that you want them to repeat the training every week or whatever you want them to do.

Preference Training

This one pertains to the training that the dom prefers like the specific etiquette, protocol, or rituals that he likes. For example, a sub might have been trained to wait for permission before eating but their new dom finds it annoying. So your sub must adapt to the preference of the new dom.

Furthermore, the truth is, as doms, we enjoy preference training and we don’t like it if someone else has done the training for us. For example, it’s nice that the sub has already been trained to bring us coffee every morning. But it is better to have a sub that we ourselves have trained to bring coffee in bed every morning and who did everything exactly according to our preferences. If the sub has already been trained to do what you like, it deprives us of the pleasure of conducting the training ourselves and making it more personalized to suit us.

Skill Training

Skill training is acquiring skills that are useful for the dom like cooking or massage. This is connected when establishing forms of service—in order to have your sub provide an excellent service, you need to ensure that they know what they’re doing.

For example, you want to train your sub to become your personal chef, you then need to train them on how to cook your favorite meals. If you want your sub to provide sexual services, you need to teach them different sex positions, blowjob techniques, roleplaying, etc.

Insight Training

This is the kind of training that can help someone become fundamentally better at submission.

Subs are called upon to clearly communicate their boundaries and darkest desires. To remain respectful and obey even when the temptation to do otherwise is great. To be transparent about their most vulnerable feelings and reactions. These things are hard to do. These take self-awareness, discipline, sensitivity, and a strong grasp of intimate communication.

So, the core of submission isn’t about memorizing the rituals or positions. It’s about knowing yourself, managing your emotions, and communicating clearly and compassionately–and those skills can be trained.


Conditioning Techniques for Submissive Training

Once you and your sub had the initial discussion, it’s time to move on to the actual training. For starters, you must learn the conditioning techniques. The primary goal in conditioning our subs is to present them with a “stimulus” and have them react the way we prefer. Here are some conditioning techniques that you can use during the submissive training.

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Classical Conditioning

If you’ve heard of Pavlov, then maybe “Classical Conditioning” will ring a bell to you (did you see what I did there?). The simplest way to understand the concept is through Pavlov’s dog. Every time he would feed the dog, he would ring a bell to signal that food is to be given. He did this repeatedly until eventually, even when there is no food, just the ring of the bell would make the dog salivate.

Training a sub is essentially like that. I’m not saying that you need to train your sub to be a dog. What we want is for your sub to react consistently to you. When you issue a command or suggestion, it should be good as done.

A simple translation of this concept to the kink is when you use a particular sex toy. For example, a dildo. If you use it frequently enough, it could elicit a desired sexual arousal response. Or even just a simple command. For example, you say “Spread your legs, slave.” Done correctly, just saying these words could trigger your slave to be wet and execute the command instantly. The command is the stimulus.’

Operant Conditioning

If you’re going to use operant conditioning to train your sub, you’ll be giving punishment and rewards to your submissive during training. This technique is a way for you to encourage and maintain desired behaviors and discourage unwanted behaviors.

Now, should your sub follow your instructions and did not budge on following them, you’ll give them positive reinforcement (cuddle, kiss, compliment, massage, giving them their fave snack, etc). On the other hand, if your sub stopped following your rules, you then give negative reinforcement (spanking, whipping, sexual deprivation, nipple play, electro play, etc). This will condition them to continue following your orders and decrease unfavorable actions.


For this technique, you’ll be ignoring unwanted behaviors. Some subs tend to ask for attention through unfavorable actions. Now, if you’re going to not care at all, they will most likely stop since they won’t be getting the attention that they seek, and may start following your orders instead.


Another conditioning technique to train your sub is by showing a step-by-step on how to do things properly. If your submissive learns better through physical and verbal cues, the training will be so much easier for both of you.

Differential Reinforcement

As for this conditioning technique, you’ll be giving positive reinforcement for a decrease in unwanted behavior. This method emphasizes your submissive’s progress. It allows for a lot of encouragement and is perfect if the submissive training requires your sub to reach a certain goal.

Further Reading


Submissive Training Tips

Submissive Training Tips

We can feel your excitement. But before you start buying BDSM equipment or discussing this dynamic to your partner, here are some tips when you train your sub. By following these tips, you’ll give your precious sub a more effective and enjoyable training/play session.

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Consider your sub’s level of experience and personal goals.

As you start discussing everything, make sure to know if your sub is experienced or not. This will help you determine the level of training that you can give them. Aside from that, you must know your sub’s personal goals too.

For outsiders, they can’t quite grasp the idea that someone will be willing enough to lose themselves completely to someone else. But the sub has their own reasons and you must take that into consideration because these factors will determine whether you are in a compatible relationship and whether training is likely to result in a strong, positive relationship. It would also determine the training approach that is most likely to be successful. So once and for all, what fulfills subs and drives their submission?

  • Actively serving others—They genuinely want to be of service to someone. They get pleasure from doing things for others like cooking or performing oral sex.
  • Passive service—things that the subs allow to be done to them for the pleasure or benefit of others, such as getting whipped, getting “used for sex”.
  • Sub’s independence – They want to act on their own, without the direct intervention or command of the dom.
  • Selflessness –Pleasing others motivates them.

You must not only consider this before continuing the relationship. You must also give proper attention to the training you want to embark on.

Consistency is the key.

The important thing to remember in all of this is consistency. Consistent actions which let them know what is expected of them and what they can expect from you is the way to do it. If you make use of rewards and punishments correctly, they will do your command immediately even without explicit directions or reminders. You know you’ve trained your sub effectively when you don’t even have to say a single word out loud about it.

Connect with experienced doms.

When researching BDSM, it’s best to check all the available channels as much as possible. That includes online forums with people who are experienced with the dominant/dominatrix role. By connecting with them, you might learn something that’s not even mentioned in books and blog posts.

Never use drugs or alcohol during the submissive training!

Keep everything safe, sane, and consensual. It’s a common misconception among people outside the BDSM community that doms just want to enslave someone. That’s not necessarily the case as a true dominant/dominatrix cares for his sub and ensures that their needs and desires are also taken care of.

Remember that an effective dom-sub relationship takes time.

It takes months or even years to have a great dom-sub relationship. When you train your sub, don’t force the dynamic just yet. It’s normal to have frustrations and difficulties during the training. But then again, let things flow through. Train your submissive gently and humanely as possible. It’s also best to train your sub with positive and encouraging methods.



10 Crucial Steps on How to Train a Sub

As you’re fully knowledgeable with the conditioning techniques and kinds of submissive training, you’re now ready to train your sub. Here are the 10 crucial steps that you need to do before, during, and after the training. Keep your notes handy for this one, read away!

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Before The Training

Preparation is vital for successful submissive training. You can’t just have a quick discussion and just jump right into it. Here are the things you should be doing before the training or play session.

Have a discussion first.

We’ve emphasized this for like, a hundred times. Before doing anything, make sure that every aspect of the training is discussed and agreed upon.

Research about submissive training.

Reading articles about BDSM on sexual wellness blogs such as Lauvette is a good start. Once you’ve read the basics, you may want to pick up some books about the art of BDSM too.

Find the right BDSM equipment.

There are a variety of toys and tools that you can use during the submissive training/play session. But that doesn’t mean you have to use it all—it’s okay not to have a playroom like Christian Grey. For beginners, a restrainer set, tickler, paddle, mouth gag, and an eye mask can be enough. Then you can add up some new toys along the way, such as nipple clamps, whips, crops, floggers, ropes, sex swing sets, and etc.

Set up a BDSM Contract.

This isn’t just to be like Anna and Christian Grey in fifty shades, a sub-dom contract is essential to establish each other’s needs, desires, goals, and limits. The contract can also state if the relationship is a daily, weekly, or monthly affair.

Along with the signing of the contracts, you can also present your preferred schedule for the submissive training/play sessions. After all, BDSM should only take up your free time.

During the Training

Now that you’ve discussed everything, here are the things you should do to effectively train your sub.

Check if your sub is ready for the session.

Even if the training is scheduled, it’s best to have a quick check with your sub before going in. Your sub might be sick or going through something. If that’s the case, you need to respect their wish and halt the activities—forcing them to go through the play session isn’t BDSM, it’s abuse.

Prepare all the needed toys and tools.

Make sure everything’s laid out once your sub is there. Aside from toys, you also need to prepare some tools for emergencies, such as a first-aid kit, medical-grade scissors, extra lubricant, etc.

Start with a sensual pre-session ritual.

Some subs might prefer to jump right into it, but should your submissive prefer to have a pre-session ritual, so be it. Doing a sensual ritual before the submissive training/play session helps you connect with your sub a deeper level. Examples of pre-session rituals are having a warm bath together, intense making out sessions, or giving your sub a sensual massage.

Check on them during the session.

As you go through the training, never forget to check your sub midway. Are they in too much pain? Are they in an uncompromising position? As a dominant/dominatrix, it’s your duty to take care of them during the training. Remember, a BDSM relationship isn’t supposed to be one-sided; Your sub should be enjoying this dynamic too.

After the Training

Once the playtime’s over, that doesn’t mean you’ll just clean up the mess and move on with your daily tasks. Here are the things that you should do after you train your sub.

Don’t forget aftercare!

People who are new to BDSM or are just venturing to BDSM must remember this: domination is not about abuse. The goal is not to force your partner beyond their limits. You might not believe this but the sub is the one really holding the power in the relationship. Your submissive is the one who willingly gave you control over them because your sub trusts you. A good dom knows the sub holds the power because they control the brakes.

When a session is over, regardless of how or why it ended, you must spend some time with your sub. Calming, communicating, cuddling, or whatever is available. Your tasks can be tiring, both mentally and physically so you should also set some bonding time to wind down and get some feedback on how to improve on the next round. Build upon every round to get a bit better each time. Because ultimately, it’s not just about how you train your sub but how you improve your relationship with them.

See our post about aftercare for more ideas and information

Write down on your submissive training journal.

Once the feedback is given, you may want to write that down. Keeping a journal as you train your sub isn’t technically a requirement, but it helps to keep on track with your sub’s progress.